Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
