SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
