Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
