I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
