Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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