There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
