i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
