Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
