You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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