After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
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Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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