my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Randomize
