you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
