Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
