she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
