Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
