dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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