WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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