I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
