Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
