I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
