the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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