I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
