Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
