I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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