I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
