Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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