i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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