I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So apparently I’m into choking now
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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