You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
