I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
