i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
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Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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