man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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