Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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