Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
