youre lurking in front of me
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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