Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
