i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
