Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Found your dick twin last night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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