i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
