I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
