wakey wakey hands off snakey
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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