don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
