I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
