Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
