New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
