4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
