I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
