Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
