In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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