Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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