i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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