I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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