Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
